I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need a beard to bite.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize