allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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