If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
