We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
