You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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