Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
