what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
