when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
