She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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