I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
