After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
