I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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