I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
