God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
