Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
