I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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