did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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