I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
