my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
