then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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