My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
