I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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