i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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