She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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