you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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