you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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