I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We named our party play list daddy issues
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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