you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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