i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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