Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
