I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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