put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
