im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
