rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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