Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I currently don't understand fingers.
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