Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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