Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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