moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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