im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
