It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
