my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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