I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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