Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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