Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
