thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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