I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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