We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
