We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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