One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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