i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
