my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
