what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
