she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
